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Don’t Let Children Become the “Third Party” in a Marriage

Written by: Aunty Anne Parents Station
When a man and a woman meet, get to know each other, and fall in love, they then get
married and start their own family. Husband and wife promise to love and respect each
other regardless of the circumstances, and their marital relationship naturally becomes the
foundation of the family.
The arrival of children completes the family structure, but also makes the situation more
complex: from the original couple relationship, it evolves into parent-child and grandparent-
grandchild relationships. When facing the well-being of the children, everyone has their own
opinions and positions, and blending them is not an easy task.
If we think carefully, we will understand that although husband and wife are the same two
people, the two roles have different needs and considerations. The addition of a young child
makes the couple cautiously take on the parental identity, which is laborious but also filled
with sweetness. Infants are fragile and dependent, so parents naturally focus all their
attention on protecting and caring for the child, inevitably neglecting the needs of their
partner and even themselves, which is understandable.

However, the all-encompassing protective net that parents cast during the infant and
toddler stage does not recede as the child grows up, allowing the child to forge their own
path in life. Modern families idolise the children and let them dominate the family’s
operations, overshadowing the spousal relationship. Spouses can no longer get the
understanding and gratitude they expect from each other, and the relationship gradually
fades or drifts apart. In this ironic situation, the “third party” that harms the marital
relationship is the couple’s own child.
Worse still, a harmonious family relationship is the most important element for a child’s
healthy, happy, and positive growth. Facing the discord between parents, children are often
dragged into this vortex, trying to balance the relationship and shouldering emotions that
do not belong to them. Children do not know how to handle and release these worries, and
their emotions and behaviours will develop problems, but parents can only ask the children
to focus on their studies, thinking this is the children’s responsibility. Children, however,
worry all day long that the family is falling apart, so what’s the use of studying! This is a vivid
portrayal of the modern family issue.

“Parents should be closer to each other than to the children,” to implement the original
intention of building the family through mutual understanding and love. Remember that
children are only temporary guests in the family, and one day they will leave the nest to
establish their own homes. In the end, the husband and wife will only have each other left,

so cherishing the partner and not forgetting the original intention are the keys to
weathering the ups and downs and walking together until old age.

Healthy Back Care Exercises – Suitable for Both Adults and Children

Written by: Fong Wai Kwan, Dr. Kong’s Professional Team of Registered
Physiotherapist
Parents should avoid letting their children develop the following bad postures, which
can affect the development of the spine:
When children are doing their homework, they should avoid sitting sideways to one
side, as this posture can easily lead to uneven use of force on the left and right sides
of the spine, causing problems such as scoliosis. At the same time, they should
maintain an upright posture in both the neck and waist.

When children use computers, they should not lean their necks too far forward to
look at the screen, as this can easily lead to neck strain. Parents should also remind
children to keep their necks and backs straight, and choose chairs that are adjustable
in height and equipped with backrests and armrests to support the back, hands, and
wrists. Additionally, the screen should be positioned at a height not above eye level.
After every 30 minutes of computer use, there should be adequate rest breaks
taken.
When lifting heavy objects from the floor, it is best to avoid bending the waist
forward to pick them up. Instead, one should adopt a semi-squatting posture,
keeping the waist straight. Then, grip the heavy object with both hands, keeping it as
close to the body as possible. Finally, use the leg muscles to stand up, maintaining a
straight waist.
Neck Stretching Exercises
Purpose: To help relieve muscle tension in the neck
Steps: 1. Turn your head to the left and right sides, holding each position for 10
seconds.

  1. Move your head up and down, holding each position for 10 seconds.
  2. Tilt your head towards the left and right sides, holding each position for 10
    seconds.
    Repeat the full set of exercises 10 times per day.
    Shoulder Stretching Exercises
    Purpose: To help relieve tension in the shoulder muscles
    Steps: Place your hands on your shoulders, and rotate your elbows forward and
    backward 10 times in each direction.

Chest Stretching
Purpose: To help stretch the chest muscles and improve poor posture
Steps: Firmly grasp your hands behind your back, and raise your hands as high as
possible, holding for 10 seconds. Repeat 10 times per day.
Stretching the Back and Waist Muscles
Purpose: To help relieve tension in the back and waist muscles
Steps: 1. Place your hands on your knees, then bend forward at the waist, hold for 10
seconds, and slowly return to a standing position.

  1. Place your hands on your hips, then bend backward at the waist, hold for 10
    seconds, and slowly return to a standing position.
    Repeat the full set of exercises 10 times per day.
    Side Body Stretching
    Purpose: To help relieve tension in the side waist muscles
    Steps: 1. Place your hands on your hips and twist your waist from side to side, slowly
    returning to the starting standing position with hands on hips. Hold each side for 10
    seconds.
  2. Raise your left hand and bend to the right, hold for 10 seconds, then slowly return
    to the starting standing position with hands on hips.
  3. Raise your right hand and bend to the left, hold for 10 seconds, then slowly return
    to the starting standing position with hands on hips.
    Repeat the full set of exercises 10 times per day.
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Obsession: Separation Anxiety

Obsession: Separation Anxiety

Written by: Hong Kong Registered Psychologist, Ching Wai Keung
Around nine months of age, babies become unusually clingy. Even if the
mother goes to the bathroom, the baby may appear extremely anxious,
clinging tightly to the mother and even crying loudly.
Separation anxiety can lead to two different types of reactions. In some cases,
when separated from the caregiver, the baby will exhibit attachment-seeking
behaviors, such as clinging to the mother, trying every possible way to find the
mother, or crawling wherever the mother goes (Ainsworth, Bell, & Stayton,
1971). Separation can also result in behaviors such as despair, resistance,
and detachment, depending on the duration of the separation (Bowlby, 1960;
Robertson & Robertson, 1989).
A child’s reaction to separation can also change depending on the
environment. For example, in a familiar home environment, the child will
exhibit less anxiety compared to being in an unfamiliar environment (Ross,
Kagan, Zelazo, & Kotelchuck, 1975).

Around seven months of age, the concept of object permanence begins to
emerge in children. They understand that even if they cannot see someone or
something, it does not mean that the person or object has disappeared. When
children are able to establish this concept, their separation anxiety will
relatively decrease. If the mother can frequently communicate with the child,
express positive emotions and feelings towards the infant, and provide
appropriate stimulation and assistance, the child will more easily grasp and
apply the concept of object permanence to both objects and people (Chazan,
1981).
Helping children cope with separation anxiety requires a certain amount of
time, allowing the child and caregiver to develop a close, attached emotional
relationship (Attachment), and waiting for the child’s own development to
mature before it can be effective. For a two-year-old child, they can use
photographs to alleviate their feelings of sorrow when separated from their
caregiver (Passman & Longeway, 1982); a three-year-old child can even stay
overnight at their grandparents’ house without their parents being present.
Whether a child can develop this kind of “resilience” depends on whether the
caregiver and the child can establish a close emotional relationship. Once the
mutual relationship is established, the child can soothe their anxiety caused by
separation by imagining the image of their parents and recalling their parents’
love (Development Through Life, Barbara M. Newman, Philip R. Newman,
Wadsworth, 2003).

Why are children always distracted while eating?

Written by: Heep Hong Society Educational Psychologist Team
Many children aged 4 to 5 tend to look around and fidget during meals because they
are not yet adept at using utensils. Additionally, their short attention spans, still-
developing sense of time, curiosity about their surroundings, or even a desire to avoid
eating may contribute to their lack of focus.
Short Attention Spans
Children aged 4 to 5 generally need longer meal times than adults. This is partly
because they are not yet familiar with using utensils, which can lead to clumsiness,
and partly because their chewing and digestive abilities are still developing,
necessitating longer meal times. Furthermore, due to their short attention spans, low
self-control, and lack of time awareness, they are easily distracted by their
environment. When they become engrossed in something interesting, they may even
forget about their meal in front of them, often requiring repeated reminders from
parents to continue eating, which prolongs mealtime.

Parents dealing with children who have short attention spans can try to create a
consistent, quiet, familiar, and simply arranged dining environment. They can set a
reasonable time limit for meals and remind the children periodically of the time limit
to ensure they finish their meals within that timeframe.

Curiosity About the Surroundings
Additionally, some children are naturally “observational” learners with strong
curiosity, often learning new things by observing through their eyes. Even during
meals, they might look around, continuing to learn. Although this behavior might
seem like they are not concentrating, they rarely “forget” to eat; they simply continue
eating while indulging in their observations. For such observational learners, instead
of letting them look around, parents might consider engaging them with books during
meals to foster a reading interest.
Of course, there are also “mixed-type” children and those who look around to avoid
eating foods they dislike, deliberately delaying or performing small actions to draw
attention. Therefore, to address the issue of children looking around during meals,
parents need to carefully observe and understand the underlying problems.
No Need to Rush Meals
The pace of life in Hong Kong is fast, and meal times are becoming increasingly
shorter. Sometimes, seeing children eat slowly can make parents anxious. Ultimately,
if time permits, children should be given ample time to chew slowly and savor the
taste of their food. Lastly, parents might consider reducing the portion sizes for their
children, making it easier for them to finish their meals at the table. This approach can
reduce potential conflicts at the dining table and increase the children’s motivation to
eat more when they feel hungry.

Encountering a ‘mismatched’ child is an opportunity for parents to grow

Encountering a ‘mismatched’ child is an opportunity for parents to grow

 

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/asian-single-mom-headache-raising-two-2123600492

Written by: Lai Shun Mei, Family Dynamics Counselor and Global Career Developer

When a child is born, people like to discuss his appearance, using his resemblance to his parents as a topic of conversation, and talk about which attractive features he has inherited from them. As he grows older and his temperament begins to show, they also like to explore whose personality he resembles.

It is generally easier to get along with someone who has a similar temperament because similar personalities and preferences make it easier to connect. If a child has a temperament similar to their parents, it seems to make parenting easier. However, it often seems like God enjoys playing jokes on us by giving us “mismatched” children: an outgoing and lively mother ends up with a quiet and introverted daughter; a hot-tempered father faces a sensitive and sentimental son; a mother who doesn’t understand fun encounters a hedonistic son.

Parents who seek help often share the common issue of having difficulty getting along with their “mismatched” child. They cannot accept the child’s nature, do not understand the child’s behavior, and do not know how to properly guide their child.

The outgoing and lively mother “complained” to me: “My daughter dawdles, is hesitant, and doesn’t dare to make friends outside.” She couldn’t understand: “What’s so difficult about brushing teeth? What’s so scary about attending English class? What’s there to be shy about when meeting other kids?” Why is her daughter nothing like her but instead resembles her indecisive, introverted, timid, and unambitious father? As she spoke, she indirectly revealed to me that her problem was not accepting her spouse and projecting her dissatisfaction with her spouse onto their daughter. Therefore, the issue was not with her daughter but with their marital relationship.

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/little-asian-boy-angry-his-fatherblack-387639454

The hot-tempered father had to come for advice because his son only got along with his mother and not with him. He deeply loved his son and did not want him to grow up being overly sensitive and tearful like a girl. The older the child got, the more anxious the father became. However, under insults and strict orders, the child did not become stronger but instead became more withdrawn, clinging to his mother and refusing to leave her side. It was only after understanding the situation that it became clear that this father had grown up amidst beatings and insults. He believed his own strength came from such an upbringing, not realizing that those painful experiences had become implicit memories affecting his relationship with his son.

The mother, who claimed she did not know how to play and did not need to play, was at a loss with her son, who was solely focused on playing. She said her son was careless with his studies but persistently focused on play. How could she change her son’s attitude towards his studies? I was curious about this mother’s claim—who wouldn’t like to play? Seeking happiness is human nature, so why did she insist she did not need entertainment? It turned out that she was also playful as a child but was strictly disciplined by her mother, who did not allow her to “waste” time. Gradually, her life lacked playmates, and when she played with her mother, her mother remained serious and uncompromising, often causing her to lose and feel sad. Over time, she grew to dislike playing games. Her mother “successfully” shaped her into someone who “did not like” to play, someone who appeared strong and focused on studies but was also rigid, insecure, and lacking in joy. No wonder she did not understand how to get along with her naturally joyful son.

It turns out that God “mismatched” children for us with a purpose. He wants us to reflect on our relationships with our spouses and parents, and our own growth experiences through the frustrations of interacting with our children, thereby sorting out these relationships and resolving these emotional knots.

Parents’ lack of acceptance of their children is a reflection of their lack of acceptance of themselves. A lack of confidence in their children is a lack of confidence in themselves. By taking care of “mismatched” children, parents feel challenged and then become aware of their own pain points. With the help of a therapist, they begin a journey of self-exploration. They clarify and straighten out their family relationships, gaining rebirth and growth in the process. Children are born as they are, and there is no mismatch. Let us make good use of this opportunity for growth!

Be a parent with multiple expressions and poses!

Written: Founder & Volunteer Director of Good Love Passion, Lam Ho Pui Yee

When a child is around 6 months old, they start babbling, constantly making sounds and single words. They also enjoy playing with toys that make sounds. However, even before they learn to speak, they already understand how to communicate with the people around them using crying, sounds, facial expressions, gestures, or body language. In fact, children first learn to communicate with people using facial expressions and gestures, then they learn verbal communication, and finally, they learn to communicate through text. Therefore, accurately recognizing other people’s facial expressions helps in assessing their emotions and attitudes, thus influencing a child’s cognitive development, emotional development, and social skills. Parents’ facial expressions, actions, and postures are often what children find most attractive.

Children observe and respond to their parents’ facial expressions and emotions. For example, a gentle expression can make them feel comfortable communicating with you, a smile can boost a child’s confidence in expressing themselves, and a nod from parents indicates acceptance. Through these developments, children gradually understand, learn, and care about people’s emotions. Different parts of the body express emotions in various ways, and expressions can be categorized into facial expressions, body expressions, and verbal expressions.

To establish good parent-child communication, parents need to pay attention to several aspects:

1．When children cannot clearly see their parents’ facial expressions, it is recommended to use actions as a substitute for speech responses. For example, hugging them tightly, giving them a kiss, gently stroking their hair, or gently touching their cheeks are all important non-verbal communication methods.

2. If parents can embody a childlike and expressive role in their daily lives, children can learn a wealth of emotions and expressive skills from their parents’ facial expressions. This will undoubtedly benefit them throughout their lives.

3. Many parent-child interaction patterns involve “non-interaction” – even though they are together, there is no eye contact, conversation, message exchange, or actions, and there is no emotional sharing because everyone is watching TV, using the computer and phones, or doing their own things. Eye contact can train focus, so regularly gazing at each other with caring eyes and listening to each other’s sharing is one of the conditions for good communication.

4. Creating a quiet and simple environment helps children concentrate. True and comprehensive communication happens when they can clearly see your facial expressions. Therefore, it’s appropriate to turn off sound-producing items like the TV, tablet, or take away their beloved toys during communication.

On the journey of a child’s growth, parents who are willing to provide unconditional love and ample communication space make children feel accepted, allowing them to break free from their cocoon. Children love it when their parents appreciate them, so encouragement often has a greater impact, whether through eye contact or speech; both can be used more frequently.

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How to help children who are rather clumsy?

Family Marriage & Art Therapist, Ko Wing Oi (Wendy)

Parents often mention that their children are clumsy, often tripping or dropping things easily. This is related to hand-eye coordination and even the development of finger muscles. Many toys are now designed to train a child’s finger muscles from as early as a few months old.

Many parents are aware that various games can train finger muscles. But besides finger muscles, how can we train children to handle, grasp, or manipulate objects using their fingers? Balance is also crucial.

In fact, many toys can help train balance, and finger muscles can be developed in the process. For example, stacking games with different shapes, sizes, colors, and numbers can be used. When a child picks a die with a green side and the number 2, they have to find the corresponding green piece with a 2, and then pick another die, let’s say it’s blue with a 5, and find the blue piece with a 5, and continue stacking. This trains children on how to stack the pieces to maintain balance and prevent them from toppling over.

Another toy is the Russian stacking block puzzle, which is more complex in terms of layering and might be more interesting to children. Children can move the bottom block and then stack the Russian block puzzle pieces. This toy presents a certain level of difficulty, training children’s fingers, critical thinking, finger muscles, and balance.

Of course, clumsiness and accidents are also related to their level of concentration. For example, when a child is holding a cup of water, but their eyes are not on the cup; they are watching TV or listening to the adults around them. So, in addition to training their hand-eye coordination and balance, it’s also essential to train their concentration.

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How to effectively calm children when dealing with parent-child conflicts?

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Source: Parenting Education Specialist, Ken Sir

From time to time, conflicts may arise between children and adults. In handling these conflicts, communication skills with children are very important, and there is a big difference between starting with “you” and starting with “I.”

Once, I was at the elevator entrance and saw a child trying to press the elevator button, but another child pressed it first. The child’s emotions immediately became volatile, and although the mother tried to bend down and deal with the situation, she found it difficult to calm the child’s emotions. What was involved in the situation?

This involves the mother using a few phrases, including “don’t cry”, “what do you want?” or “do you want me to go down to the next floor and let you press the button?” I want to remind parents that if they want to calm a child’s emotions, they should avoid using these types of phrases.

If we want to calm a child’s emotions, we can try using “I” at the beginning of the sentence, such as “I see you…”, “I know that you really want…”, and “Mom and Dad understand you”. When a child hears these words from their perspective, they will feel that you are on their side rather than opposing them.

In this way, through your body language—calming and hugging—it helps the child gradually learn to be calm and then slowly instill what you want to teach them. This would be very good.

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How to build self-confidence from a young age?

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Parents may ask what tips are available to help children build confidence easily from a young age. I think young children need love. He may be more self-centered and place a lot of emphasis on his relationship with his caregivers, so I think relationships with parents and caregivers are very important. If he has enough trust in the people around him, it will be easier for him to build relationships with the people around him in the future.

The second point is that many parents now go to play groups more often, and often parents take their children to parent-child classes and can finish them without interacting with other children at all. So many times, parents say it is better to take him out to play more often. In fact, going out to play more often or going to play groups more often does not mean that the child’s social skills or the need to socialize with other children will increase. Take the school’s Play Group as an example; the school will try to encourage more interaction between children, such as exchanging objects or even taking care of the people around them. It is hoped that children will know how to share or take care of others, which will help them build social relationships with others in the future.

Source: Aristle International Kindergarten, School Supervisor, Vivian Wu

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Wear face mask for long time during Epidemic. How to make children learn to “look at people’s eyebrows and eyes”?

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Written by: Hong Kong Speech and Swallowing Therapy Centre
Senior Speech Therapist Eunice Siu

In our daily interactions with others, we not only observe others’ behaviors, but also “explain” and “predict” others’ behaviors. Theory of mind is the ability to infer or substitute other people’s mental states, such as their thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions, etc., and to use this ability to explain other people’s thoughts, perceptions, and predict their behaviors. Theory of mind can be subdivided into “emotion recognition”, “beliefs” and “pretend play”.

The developmental period for children’s theory of mind is from approximately 3 to 7 years of age. However, before the age of 3, children need to master the following skills to effectively develop theory of mind skills.

1. noticing and imitating the behavior of people around them
2. recognizing the emotions of others and using words to express them (e.g., happy, sad, angry, surprised)
3. participates in pretend play
4. understands that different people have different desires and preferences
5. understands that people will act to get what they want (e.g. reach for candy)
6. understands the causes and consequences of unsympathetic emotions (e.g. if I hit my brother, my mom will be mad and then she will scold me)

Ways to improve theory of mind are:

1. Use more psychologically relevant words when talking to your child

Using psychologically related words to communicate with children can help children understand their own and others’ psychological conditions more specifically. Examples of psychologically related words are “think,” “pretend,” “know,” “believe,” “feel,” and words related to emotions. Pay attention to what your child is trying to say and then respond. For example, “Ah! You want cake”, “Don’t be afraid! You think I’m gone, but I’m still here,” and “Mommy’s mad at you for hitting your brother. Parents can also explain to their children the psychological situation of others, e.g., “Mei-mei is smiling so much when she receives a birthday present, she should be very excited.

2. Participate in role-playing games with your child

Role-playing games encourage children to put themselves in different situations and characters’ perspectives to draw inferences about their behavior. To begin, children can pretend to be common everyday characters, such as mothers, doctors, teachers, and drivers. Parents should pay attention to the fact that both the words and behaviors in the game should be substituted for the role played. This activity helps children experience a variety of emotions, thoughts and interactions in different social situations, and learn to observe, imitate, anticipate, review and adjust their thoughts and behaviors.

I hope parents can make good use of the opportunity to share and communicate more with their children in daily life, so that they can learn to “look at people’s eyebrows and eyes” (meaning read people’s faces) and become a “mind-reading detective”!

Source：
Hollin, P., Baron-Cohen, S.,& Hadwin,J.(1999). Teaching children with autism tomind-read. West Sussex, England: Wiely Press

Lowry, L.(2015).” Tuning in” to others: How young children develop theory of mind. The Hanen Centre.

Spastics Association of Hong Kong (2005). Connecting: Developing social skills in children with autism. Spastics Association of Hong Kong.

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